Regular Post

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Hi There! I Am the Personification of a First World Problem

I’ve been on the ADD med for a couple weeks, here are my thoughts.

Note: I will also stop talking about this, cease my incessant navel gazing and get back to whatever it is I actually do here, but this whole “Holy crap! I have ADD! Wow!” thing has been quite the revelation for me, so it’s been on my brain a fair amount. I actually do have some things in my “editing” pipeline and will get them going in the near future.

OK! Onward!

The Good Stuff:

1. It works! And by that I mean, I can concentrate on things a lot better. The distinguishing characteristic of my ADD is that I feel like I have a million channels of TV in my head, all going at the same time and someone is pressing the remote’s channel button every 15 seconds. If you were to talk to me in person, you would see this in the way I tell a story. I bounce and wander in seven different tangential directions, possibly never coming back to my main point. That’s how it is to be in my head all the time. It’s sightly exhausting and endlessly frustrating and makes it tricky to get stuff done. “Tricky” being the understatement of the century. Usually I try and edit the wandering out of my my writing, but sometimes it is as plain as day. I also tend to be distracted by everything around me quite easily. Over the years I found that I’d adopted some habits to neutralize those tendencies as much as possible, i.e., noise canceling headphones coupled with music, fewer blinking things on my screen, shutting down my Internet, hiding ALL other open apps on my Mac, that sort of thing. I don’t seem to need those “crutches” as much.


2. Even though this stuff is speed (an amphetamine), it makes me sleepy. Like, DEAD tired at the end of the day. Doc warned me that one of the side effects could be a touch of insomnia as my brain unwinds from the speed. Not! If anything, I realize that I was in DEEP sleep debt. I go to bed at around 9-10 and wake up at 8. Crazy. I also get to sleep faster. Usually, it takes me a good 45 minutes to get to sleep. The only way I could get to sleep was to read a book I’d already read a zillion times (or a much-watched movie on my iPod). That would put my brain on cruise control and allow me to drift off. Now I hit the pillow and I’m out. I’m liking that.


3. When I sit for extended periods of time, (staff meeting being the prime example), I fidget. That’s diminished significantly. Less leg jiggling, finger flipping and random twitchy-ness.


4. The Funny. This may sound weird, but I was very worried that being on this med would “take my funny away.” Doesn’t seem to have happened. Though I am more calm, I’m finding I can still be funny. I know that’s a strange thing to be worried about, and though I’m trying not to have “being funny” as the main thrust of my life these days, it’s still important to me. Have to see how that plays out in the long run as I start writing again.

The Less Than Optimal Things:

1. The med is an amphetamine. (Duh.) It. Scares. Me. Though this dose is pretty tiny and I’m not abusing it, it still freaks me out. Hey, I saw that episode of M*A*S*H where Charles gives Radar’s pet rat some speed so it’ll run really fast in a race and then the poor little beast gets sick! I have seen the consequences! Seriously, this stuff scares me. I’m hesitant to be dependent on it.


2. Dry mouth. This is especially true by the end of the day. It’s not bad breath, but it kind of feels like that “gummy, just woke up from a nap” mouth. I drink a lot of water and will start carrying a water bottle. Hard candy also helps. (I’m essentially becoming my grandfather, who always had hard candy squirreled away in a pocket somewhere. Oy. Vey.)


3. I don’t eat. This could also land in the “good” column, as I’ve already lost a few pounds, but I’m putting it here. I forget to eat and then end up light headed at the end of the day. Eating a decent breakfast before the med kicks in is crucial now.


4. Slight headache at the end of the day. Not bad, but kind of annoying.


5. Hot flashes. Kinda. It’s weird. I just feel warm all the time. Though this may have less to do with the med and more to do with my entering early menopause.

I can see that there are more Bad Things, but the Good Stuff far outweighs the bad for me. We’ll see how it goes for a couple months.

Reha mentioned that she’s quite envious that I’m losing weight without lifting a finger. Though that was mitigated when I said, “Sure, but in the meantime, I’ll be jealous of your successful law career since we’ve determined I don’t really have much of a career at all because of this thing I’ve got and tack on the fact that it took me approximately 25 years to figure out what my problem is and your ability to function without pharmaceutical support.”

“Oh… yeah… right. Sorry about that. Though I’ll still be jealous because you are going to lose a bunch of weight. Nothing will change that, I’m afraid.”

Anyway, one thing I’ve learned through my short experience with “brain” drugs is that seemingly the only way to know if something is going to work is to give it a whirl. If it works, you are golden; if not, move to the next thing. It’s like diagnosis happens once you start treatment. Funky. Brains are weird.

And that’s enough about that.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Off Label Use is Contraindicated

SO I WENT TO THE HEAD SHRINK-Y DOC YESTERDAY TO TALK ABOUT MY ADHD AND HE PRESCRIBED ADDERALL AND IT TURNS OUT THAT THE GENERIC EQUIVALENT FOR ADDERALL IS PLAIN OLD AMPHETAMINE SO NOW I HAVE LIKE 90 OF THOSE AND HOLY CRAP THEY ARE AWESOME AND I’M SUPPOSED TO TAKE 1-2 2X/DAY, BUT I MAY HAVE EXCEEDED THE RECOMMENDED DOSE JUST NOW.

Well, not really.

Truth be told, I took one pill yesterday afternoon and within two hours I had fallen asleep in a chair. So I don’t think it (the speed) has the same effect on me as it might on a “normal” person. We’ll see how it goes.

Which is not to say the this stuff doesn’t scare the crap out of me. Hey, I’ve seen that Montana Meth Project and all those scary ads. Last thing I want is to end up having sex with a middle aged man in a dirty motel.

My hope is that it’s a clean motel.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Motivational Items

We have found a new way to motivate our youngest son, Jonah. He has become enamored, enflamed and engulfed by an obsession for bakugan. They are toys! It’s a game! It’s a TV show!

Bakugan! Are! Life!

Duh.

Of course, what bakugan really are, is pretty clever marketing and product scheme. In the grand tradition of trading cards and Pokemon, they are never ending. You can never have enough bakugan toys and cards. You keep buying and collecting the little doo-dads and trading with your friends, until you or your parents run out of money. Or you have a giant fight with your friends because of unfair, disproportionate trading practices. It’s annoying and genius at the same time; genius, because the bakugan folks have to be making bank on this junk and annoying because you didn’t think of it first.

Anyway, the boy loves them.

Loves. Them.

Naturally, as parents we are using this to our advantage. I went to Wal-Mart and bought a few of them (they are actually quite expensive, in my opinion, given what you are buying, essentially a playing card and a plastic toy; about $7 apiece, totally outrageous) and have been doling them out to him, based on an arcane reward system that only I really understand.

Do all your homework for a week or so and turn it in? You can look at the unopened package of bakugan.

Put the clean dishes in the dishwasher away in the cupboards? You may hold an unopened package.

Change the oil in the Jetta? Get a bakugan.

Name all the U.S. states and their capitals? Whoops that wasn’t on the list, sorry, but now you know the capital of Kansas! Cool, huh?

Brush your teeth every night and morning? Maybe. Keep brushing, we’ll see after your next dentist appointment.

The best thing about bakugan, though? Cartoon Network airs the program at 7:30 every weekday morning. So Jonah gets up early and gets himself ready, so he can watch his show, unencumbered by parental pestering to “get out of bed, already!” It’s astonishing how motivated he is, really. And since I have the joy of getting the two smaller children up and out the door, I’ve been the unexpected recipient of this boon.

Reha: So, bakugan. Wow.

Me: I know! Crazy. Love the bakugan! W00t!

Reha: Bakugan have to be the best thing ever to come into your life, huh?

Me: Of course not. You are the best thing to ever land in my life.

Reha: Close second, though?

Me: Nipping at your heels, babe.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Partners

“You OK? You look tense. Are you ready for this?”

“OK. I can do this. I am ready. I’m prepared. Why am I so nervous, though? I’ve done this before. Gah! But I think I’m going to die. My chest feels tight. I can’t breathe. Oh man, I’m dizzy all of a sudden. I need to sit down for a minute.”

“That just means the medicine is working!”

“What?”

“It means the medicine is starting to work.”

“Medicine? What medicine? I haven’t taken anything!”

“I slipped a little something into your beverage there. You should feel tranquil and mellow and ready for anything. Any minute now. And if you start seeing floaters or tracers or the lamps get all wiggly, I put in the wrong stuff, but I’m pretty sure I gave you the relax-y stuff.”

“What?! Why did you do that? This is possibly the most important presentation of my life! Our lives. We need them to sign the contracts! You drugged me? No wonder I can’t stand up.”

“‘I drugged you.’ Jeez. You make it sound like I’ve poisoned you. Lighten up. It was just one pill. You are such a drama mama sometimes. I know how nervous you get for these things. I just wanted to help you get a little more calm.”

“By doping me into insensibility?”

“No! Of course not. Though you may feel a bit light headed. And try to walk sideways. And think dogs can talk. For a little while. No big deal. That part will wear off by the time we get to the meeting. Probably. How much do you weigh? You know what? Never mind. You’ll be feeling great when we get over there. Primed and loose and ready to close the deal! You’re the MAN!”

“My lips are going numb.”

“Hm. I seriously doubt that.”

“Dey ar num, I’b delling dew! I can’b feeb my dongue eider!”

“You have got to relax. Take a deep breath. There is no way your face is going numb. There. You felt that slap, didn’t you? How many fingers am I holding up?”

“Ow! Your hands are in your pockets.”

“See! You’re fine. Totally fine.”

“What did you put in my drink?”

“Nothing.”

“You didn’t drug me?”

“No, of course not. That would be unethical. And considering what I have in my medicine cabinet, highly illegal.”

“So there wasn’t anything in my Diet Coke?”

“Nope. Just all the normal chemicals that are usually in a Diet Coke. But don’t you feel better now? Relieved? Maybe, dare I say it… more relaxed?”

“Do I look relaxed now?”

“No, not at all. You look like at any second like you might split open and bats will start flying out of you.”

“Right.”

“Giant bats. Hairy flying rats, cascading out of your torso. Dripping a filthy mixture of blood and saliva from their deadly sharp fangs.”

“Thanks for that.”

“You know, I think you need a special permit to keep exotic pets like bats within the city limits. You don’t have a permit, do you? You could get arrested for that. Unlicensed bat keeping and because in about 10 minutes you are going to be stoned to the gills. You may also think you have gills.”

“You did put something in my drink, didn’t you?”

“Maybe. Let’s just say that half the fun of this meeting is going to be watching you try not to swallow your chin. Come on. They are already sold. This thing is just a formality. It’s going to be a cakewalk. Let’s go.”

“I hate you.”

“I know.”

Monday, November 10, 2008

Metal

Metal from Jon Deal on Vimeo.

Proving that the clarinet is the most metal of all the instruments.

Duh. Doesn’t everyone know this?

Favorite Entries

If you are new around here, the following entries have been reasonably well received. You might want to peruse these.

• Partners
• Correspondence
• Help Wanted
• From the Office of Mis-directed Email
• A Word from the Small Person in the House
• RNT Product Review: Chocolate Mix Skittles Left Me Sterile!
• Jon’s Report Card circa… A Long Time Ago
• Dear Gratuitously Naked Conversationalist at the Gym:
• A Peek Inside the Writer’s Guild and Producers’ Negotiations
• We Regret the Error
• Letters from a Homeowner to His General Contractor
• What I Did There
• Hermaphrodite Administrative Assistants and Receptionists Need Not Apply
• Giving Me an IM Account Was Obviously a Huge Mistake
• Official Ransom Note Typography Vista vs. Mac OS X Shootout
• I Need a Real Hobby
• Beat Down
• Big Fat Lies
• True Love
• Now MY Ovaries Hurt
• Don’t Get Her Started
• Disturbing Trend
• Had to do it
• Mooshy stuff
• Ransom Note Typography End User License Agreement “EULA”
• Diva-licious!
• Just so we’re clear
• PETA may have a point

Holy Crap! Look at all this STUFF down here. It's awesome!

 

Really, I'm glad you made it down here. Almost no one ever comes down here. I'm like in a freaking dungeon down here. I get lonely. But not you. YOU made it all the way to the end of the page. For this I think I've a little crush on you. I don't know, is "love" to strong a word to use in this situation? Well, if it's not "love," then it's very strong "like." I'm totally in like with you for coming down here. You are awesome. Please love me back! I know, I know, I shouldn't be all needy, it's not attractive at all, but you don't know how it is to be stuck down here. Who scrolls all the way to the end of a page anymore these days? Anyway, thanks for shedding some light down here in the depths. I appreciate it. Shoot me an email and I'll send you a dollar, OK?

©2005-2009 Jon B. Deal All Rights Reserved. I'm not kidding around here, I know people who know other people who would be willing to beat you up or similarly infringe on your rights, should you happen to infringe on my rights.