Thursday, June 12, 2008

Territorial Disputes

Every now and then I like to sit in the back seat of our van with the kids.

Well, it’s not as if I like to sit back there, but Reha sometimes is driving and I’ve lost a “shotgun!” call to Lucas or Carrie and instead of using brute force to go ahead and sit in the front seat, I elect to sit in the back with the little kids.

It’s fun to sit back there. It’s a totally different perspective on the drive. Except that I invariably get into a fight with our five year old daughter.

Ellis: Daddy is pinching me!

Me: Am NOT!

Jon: Are too!

[I’ll spare you the twenty minutes of that back and forth. Kids NEVER tire of the “Are too!/Am not!” game. Though E. meets her match in me. I have stamina like you wouldn’t believe for that sort of thing.]

J: She got on my side!

E: Did not!

J [drawing an imaginary line down the seat, one that clearly shows that I have 2/3 of the seat]: Look, everything on THIS side of the line is MY side. Stay on YOUR side.

E [not falling for that crap and drawing a line giving her 2/3 of the seat]: Nu-uh. THIS is MY side. You are on my side. So I can hit you.

J: OW! Stop hitting me! Stay on YOUR side!

[Repeat that for a while at escalating volume]

Finally…

Reha [from the driver’s seat]: Listen, if you don’t KNOCK IT OFF; I am totally serious and I will separate you two.

J: She started it!

R: Jon.

J: Fine, I started it, but still.

R: You are not allowed to sit in the back anymore.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Nomenclature

I have no idea what possessed her, but Reha was trying to tech the kids about the flowers we have in our yard. We are slowly trying to shift all the flowers and plants in our yard to “water-wise” and native plants. (We live in Utah and water is both precious and expensive in the summer). Reha is giving a small quiz to Lucas and points at a lovely columbine flower.

Re: Lucas, name that flower!

Lucas (after thinking for a few moments): Silvia.

Internet, meet Silvia the Columbine Flower.

Hi folks! Really, I look much better in person. This Jon fellow, while nice, can’t take a proper picture to save his life. Like what, he really thought “Oh, I’ll just take a photo of a beautiful flower IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT and it will come out great?” What kind of moron thinks that? Like he can just save every disaster he makes in Photoshop? Dude. Back away from the Wacom pen, you are not that talented, trust me on this. Listen, I’m a simply lovely purple columbine flower and if you saw me in person, you’d swoon, I promise. I smell nice, too. Bees go nuts for me. Don’t judge me by this guy’s “unable to take a decent photograph” skills. My name is “Silvia” and I am lovely.

Monday, June 09, 2008

Diminishing Marginal Returns.

It’s been crazy weird busy around here and I’ll get back to regular posting later this week.

In the meantime, Episode 03 of Technology! Whiskey! Sexy! is up.

We called it Admitting It Is The First Step.

It’s genius and inspired and it will light your way in this dark and dreary world we live in.

Well, it’s not genius, so much as it is decent and acceptable.

OK, look, when I say “inspired” what I really mean is “slightly rambling and occasionally vulgar.”

Truth be told, I slipped up and klonked my head on the desk, lost my place in the middle and drooled into the mic, ruining 20 minutes of the recording. (That’s the static you hear in the middle.)

(Actually, this one is pretty good!)

Again, it’s a podcast about Technology, but Not Really.

Enjoy.

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Pinky Tuscadero

I renewed my Utah driver’s license a little while ago and when it finally came I noticed a couple things about it.

A) it has more “security features” than you can shake a stick at.

B) IT IS VERY PINK (The old ones used to be blue.)

I was talking about this with a very gay friend of mine about how I really liked the notion of some red-state mouth breathing yokel down in rural southern Utah having to flash his swishy PINK driver’s license to the clerk at the Maverick when he’s buying his Keystone Light on a Saturday night.

Amusing, no?

Now personally, I am a flaming hetero, but working in the graphics industry as I do, I’ve come to know and respect A LOT of gay men. (I’ve also come to be annoyed by a few as well, since by all accounts, they are people and people tend to annoy me on occasion).

Anyway, my gay friend is always telling me that I would make a great gay man.

And it’s true, I’d probably make a fabulous gay man. In the realm of stereotypically “gay things,” I appreciate design and beauty and even fashion a little bit. (Let’s just say this: I’m more likely to watch E! than I am ESPN. Though I’m even more likely to be watching the Sci-Fi channel which puts me in a whole different sub-class, I guess). This is how you get to the definition of metrosexual, by the way. I am a hetero guy, who doesn’t mind and enjoys certain “gay things.”

Except for the part about penises.

Just can’t get over the fact that I’m NOT into those.

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Here We Go

Also, because I can’t let *any* moment pass by without a snarky comment:

Hillary says she is “open to being the VP candidate” with Obama.

Look, madam, I am “open to a tawdry, rambunctious and sweaty night of debauchery with Jennifer Aniston” but I have to say: NEITHER OF THOSE THINGS will happen.

 

Novus

Proximus

 

Favorite Entries

If you are new around here, the following entries have been reasonably well received. You might want to peruse these.

• Help Wanted
• From the Office of Mis-directed Email
• A Word from the Small Person in the House
• RNT Product Review: Chocolate Mix Skittles Left Me Sterile!
• Jon’s Report Card circa… A Long Time Ago
• Dear Gratuitously Naked Conversationalist at the Gym:
• A Peek Inside the Writer’s Guild and Producers’ Negotiations
• We Regret the Error
• Letters from a Homeowner to His General Contractor
• What I Did There
• Hermaphrodite Administrative Assistants and Receptionists Need Not Apply
• Giving Me an IM Account Was Obviously a Huge Mistake
• Official Ransom Note Typography Vista vs. Mac OS X Shootout
• I Need a Real Hobby
• Beat Down
• Big Fat Lies
• True Love
• Now MY Ovaries Hurt
• Don’t Get Her Started
• Disturbing Trend
• Had to do it
• Mooshy stuff
• Ransom Note Typography End User License Agreement “EULA”
• Diva-licious!
• Just so we’re clear
• PETA may have a point

Holy Crap! Look at all this STUFF down here. It's awesome!

Really, I'm glad you made it down here. Almost no one ever comes down here. I'm like in a freaking dungeon down here. I get lonely. But not you. YOU made it all the way to the end of the page. For this I think I've a little crush on you. I don't know, is "love" to strong a word to use in this situation? Well, if it's not "love," then it's very strong "like." I'm totally in like with you for coming down here. You are awesome. Please love me back! I know, I know, I shouldn't be all needy, it's not attractive at all, but you don't know how it is to be stuck down here. Who scrolls all the way to the end of a page anymore these days? Anyway, thanks for shedding some light down here in the depths. I appreciate it. Shoot me an email and I'll send you a dollar, OK?

©2005-2008 Jon B. Deal All Rights Reserved. I'm not kidding around here, I know people who know other people who would be willing to beat you up or similarly infringe on your rights, should you happen to infringe on my rights.